I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
false alarm, still single
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
