im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
