my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
