I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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