I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
