I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
