I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
