I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
