I can't watch pbs sober anymore
4 words: hood of his car
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
COCAINE IS GR8
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
