i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
