took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
