If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
