my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
