you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
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Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
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I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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