sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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