I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
