And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
