I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
