he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize