I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
