he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
