Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This baby is an asshole
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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