I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
