I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
