i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
