I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
3pm strippers are depressing
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
