I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
