A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
