so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
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I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
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I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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