Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
