I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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