a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
