i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
