I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
just found out that she named her cat after me.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
