turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
