Cold hands, warm shart.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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