Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
