I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
