I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
why is half of my head shaved?
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