shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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