I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
