An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
