My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Randomize
