Soap is not a condiment
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My bed smells like the plague
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
