"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
