i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
