I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
