thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Randomize
