So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
