party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
