Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
