He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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