turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
