Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
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