Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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