I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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