I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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