You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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