our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
