I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
