Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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