im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
